


The Right Place for a Shadow

by StrawFairy



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Constructive Criticism Welcome, Dark!Kuroko, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Illegal Activities, Minor Character Death, Murder, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 18:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawFairy/pseuds/StrawFairy
Summary: Seirin won the Winter Cup in their first year, but could they win again in second year? If they can’t, what would happen with Tetsuya?This fic is about Tetsuya's developement as a person, and it takes a dark rute, is not about basketball or romance.





	1. The Wrong Place?

They had lost against Too, **again** _._ He couldn’t believe it, 130-60. The buzzer echoed in his head without pause. All he could see was the score on the screen, he didn’t remember going home, taking a shower, eating something or even getting into bed.  

 

Yeah, sure, things were different, more complicated for them now that they don’t have Kiyoshi on the team this time. But the fact that Coach had to bench Kagami-kun for his injury in the last game against Shutoku had just made things worse.

 

 **But,** they could still have won, or at least ended in a tie like they had against Shutoku. If he just could have used his misdirection on them, things could have gone really different. but he couldn’t and never would be able to against them, because he had used misdirection overflow last year. He wanted to regret doing it but he couldn’t, not when the match brought Aomine-kun back after all.

 

Then he felt like shit. He had just thought that they could have won only with his misdirection, “ _Does that mean I think I’m more important to the team that someone else?_ ” He thought with panic. No, this couldn’t be happening, he wasn’t better than his teammates, he didn’t think like that, he didn’t… did he? Of course he didn’t, it was… “ _Then why do I think it’s my fault?”_ He couldn’t think of this anymore, he tried to sleep.

 

He couldn’t sleep.

 

He just couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe normally either, each time he closed his eyes the score was shown in his head, the faces of his teammates, the face of Kagami-kun, the triumph on their opponents’ faces… everyone but the sad expression on Momoi-san’s, and worst of all, the **_disappointment_ ** on Aomine-kun’s face.

 

“ _Does that mean that he thought I was better than I actually am? Why does it hurts so much? Is my ego what hurts? Last time it was like this too… does that mean that all this time, what I really wanted was to show them I’m as good as them? Do I consider myself superior?_ ”

 

He let out a big breath and gave up on trying to sleep, he just couldn’t do it tonight. He wanted to go out for a walk, so he got dressed and left his house. He thought about waking up Niggou but he decided against it, he deserved to sleep.

 

An hour later he was very grateful to have decided that, when he almost bumped into the Yakuza.

 

* * *

 

He was was lost, that was a fact. He had walked too much without observing his surroundings, which wasn’t usual for him, but he had just needed to walk, feel the cold in his face and disconnect from everything.

 

And he did, he walked until he heard voices, and for the first time looked at his surroundings. He didn’t recognized the area, he was definitely lost. he thought of asking the people he had heard talking earlier, so he walked back and listened to what they were saying for the first time. A deal between yakuza, great just great, he was in serious trouble. He didn’t move and applied all his misdirections technics, praying to god it would be enough to not be seen.

 

He was on edge, trying to not to move. He observed them closely in case someone had noticed him arrive. Nobody had noticed, good, he just needed to wait. He tuned out the conversation but he could tell they were arguing. And then, in a fluid movement someone grabbed a gun and shot the other man in the head.

 

“ _This can’t be happening,_ ” Was all Tetsuya could think. He almost blacked out, but his survival instinct showed in that moment to protect himself. he couldn’t move, couldn’t think, all he could do was stand still there, watching how some of them fled and how the others took care of the body, the **dead** body.

 

The hours passed and everyone left the scene. Everyone but Tetsuya. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stand still anymore, his legs gave out and he fell on his knees to the cold ground. He didn’t remember anything about the defeat of his team anymore, he couldn’t care less about things like basketball anymore, all he could do was stare at the now empty spot where the body had fell. Eventually he fell asleep out of exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

He woke up on a hospital. Why was he in a hospital? the last thing he could remember was going out for a night walk, what had happened? Just then the door opened.

 

“Ah, you’re awake, good. Can you say what you remember?” The doctor asked.

 

“The last thing I remember is going out for a night walk, after that… I don’t know, I can’t remember.” Tetsuya said truthfully.

 

“Okay, let me examine you.” The doctor examined his pupils, his mouth and others things on his face and his body. “It seems you suffered a big shock. Something traumatic must have caused so much stress that you've suffered dissociative amnesia. It’s not dangerous and it won’t affect you in your daily life, but you may experience some anxiety and flashbacks. You can go once your parents check you out.” and so he called his parents to tell them where he was, so they could pay for the hospitalization.

 

Everything went back to normal after that. Yes, they had lost their spirit with that defeat, but they were slowly recovering and they still practiced all they could, so Tetsuya thought they could still win the Winter Cup. After all, they had done it last year.

 

Tetsuya didn’t remember anything, he slowly stopped thinking about the incident, but that didn’t mean it was over. The Yakuza themselves hadn’t seen him, but the camera they had set up to record the meeting had, and in that precise moment the Yakuza were freaking out, and looking for him.


	2. The Calm Before the Storm

Tetsuya didn’t remembered anything about that incident, but he did remember his thoughts before he went for a walk. Did he really think himself superior? 

 

He couldn’t dismiss the idea. He tried to recall each possible instance of such behaviour, and he could see it much clearer now. It was like something was corrupting his precious memories and now he saw everything in a different light. 

 

They were in the middle of practice, but Tetsuya couldn’t concentrate. 

 

“Hey, you good? That’s your fifth error today... “ Said Kagami, a worried expression on his face. 

 

“Kagami-kun… How can I overcome this superiority complex and my selfishness?” Asked a thoughtful Tetsuya. 

 

“...WHAT?” Kagami couldn’t help it, he yelled. He couldn’t believe that Kuroko Tetsuya, the nicest person in the world, had just said that. 

 

“What’s going on Kagami-kun? Why did you yell?” Asked the coach. 

 

“This dude over here just said the most ridiculous thing so I couldn’t help it.” Replied Kagami as he pointed at Tetsuya. 

 

“It’s not ridiculous, it’s the truth.” Replied Tetsuya with his usual deadpan. 

 

“What did you say, Kuroko?” Asked Hyuga curiously. 

 

“I just asked Kagami-kun how I could overcome my superiority complex and selfishness.” 

 

“...” Nobody know what to say. Kuroko Tetsuya, the nicest guy who never gets angry, the most selfless and kind person they knew, had just said he had a superiority complex and was selfish. They simply couldn’t understand what had happened for him to think like that. 

 

“... Em, why do you think you have a superiority complex, Kuroko-kun?” Asked Riko. 

 

“Eh? Isn’t it obvious? I thought everyone knew about it.” Tetsuya replied in a surprised voice. 

 

“No, it’s not obvious. We don’t think you have a superiority complex Kuroko-kun, why do you think you have one?” Asked Riko as she became more worried than anything. Everyone was starting to feel concern over this. 

 

“But I do, I thought myself better than the Generation of Miracles at the end of Teiko. And after I selfishly brought back their old selves, I’ve started thinking of myself as superior to you by thinking Kagami-kun and I are the ones that can defeat them” confessed Tetsuya. Confessed Tetsuya with shame on his face.

 

“...Kuroko, that’s not a superiority complex, that’s just the truth. You and Kagami are our best players after all, it’s normal.” Furihata tried to reason. Everyone nodded along since they also believed that was just the truth. 

 

“Also, you didn’t bring them back out of selfishness, you did it because you care about them, right?” Said Kagami. 

 

“But who I am to say what’s better for them? Shouldn’t they have the right to decide?” Replied Tetsuya miserably. 

 

“...” Nobody knew how to respond to that. 

 

“Sorry but I don’t feel well today Coach, I’ll go home now.” Said Tetsuya before he bowed and went to the dressing room. Nobody knew what to do after that. 

 

* * *

 

Tetsuya didn’t know what to do next, he really hadn’t expected that reaction. Just how well did his team really know him? That thought hurt and started corrupting not just his precious memories, but his feelings for them as well. 

 

He decided to call Momoi. She knew him well enough so she must have good advice. He waited patiently until the manager answered the phone. “Hello? Tetsu-kun are you okay?” Asked Momoi, he was supposed to be training right now after all. 

 

“Hi Momoi-san,” Greeted Tetsuya. “Sorry to bother you, but I need some advice.”

 

“Of course! Anything for you Tetsu-kun! Just tell me.” She said, happy to know he had thought of her for advice. 

 

“How do I get rid of my superiority complex and selfishness?” He asked. 

 

Momoi perceived the serious tone in Tetsuya’s voice and controlled her reaction, trying to think about why Tetsuya would think of himself as selfish, and was quick to find the answer as always. “...This is about us right? About how you changed the guys?” She said sadly. 

 

Tetsuya smiled, happy to know that even if Momoi didn’t think he was right, she knew him well enough to know why he’d think that. 

 

“Yes, who did I think I was to force them to change like that? I really thought I was saving them, do I have some saviour complex too?” Tetsuya sighed. “What can I do, Momoi-san?” He asked. 

 

“Well, for now just try to think about it objectively. I’ll call the others so we can have a honest talk, okay?” She suggested. 

 

“Okay.” He replied, content with the prospect of having something to focus on. 

 

So he tried to think about it objectively. He thought about all the moments of them together, and decided that he was the same than the rest of the Generation of Miracles. No, he was worse, because they had changed but he hadn’t at all. 

 

* * *

 

A day passed by and everything went relatively normal, until Seirin’s practice was interrupted by the Generation of Miracles. 

 

“What are you guys doing here?” Asked Kagami. 

 

“We have something to discuss with Tetsu so we are here. Come Tetsu.” Commanded Aomine with a serious expression. Not even Aida protested, everyone was worried about Tetsuya since yesterday after all. 

 

And so they were here, at a park eating ice cream. 

 

“What can we do to help you, Kurokocchi?” Asked Kise without a hint of false cheer. 

 

“I don’t know, I just don’t want to be so selfish anymore. I don’t want to keep having this superiority complex either, what can I do?” 

 

Akashi is the one to say, “Well, there’s two things you can do. You can accept yourself for who you are, or you can change. If you want to change no matters what, then I think you should just reflect on why you’re like that. It’s an inner process, and we will help you in every way we can. If you want to go to a therapist I can pay for it without problem.” 

 

Tetsuya smiled while looking at them. All of them were serious, no one had said anything to argue against his way of thinking, they just supported him how they could. “Thank you Akashi-kun, all of you, thank you so much.” 

 

Then Kise threw himself into Tetsuya’s arms, and for once Tetsuya didn’t push him apart, he embraced the blond with affection. 

 

They didn’t know they were being photographed, or that the picture would be viral in a matter of hours with the sensationalist title of: IS KISE RYOUTA HOMOSEXUAL? Or the fact that thanks to that photo, the yakuza finally found Kuroko Tetsuya. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my amazing beta Darkwoods for edit this shit <3


	3. The Storm Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember if I put this on the summary, but there's no black and white on this fic, just greys

His phone had been ringing all day and he didn’t know what to do next. He passed his fingers through his blond hair. “Fucking paparazzi, Kurokocchi must feel so guilty right now, he might not give me a hug ever again.” He said while he tried to contact Tetsuya for the third time. Finally, when he was about to give up, Tetsuya’s voice answered him through the phone. 

 

“Kise-kun? I’m sorry, I was in the bathroom. I’m so sorry about the photo, if I haven't hugged you this wouldn’t be happening. I I’ll contact the them and explain the truth, don’t worry.” Ranted Tetsuya, worried for his friend. 

 

Kise smiled, happy to have such a good friend. “Don’t worry about that Kurokocchi, you know I don’t really care for what people think. Also this doesn’t mean my career is over but even if I do have problems now, you know I was never that serious about modeling, so don’t feel guilty please.” 

 

“Kise-kun… would you treat people differently just because they’re gay?” asked Tetsuya. 

 

“Em, I don’t know anyone gay so I can’t be certain, but I’ve never thought of that kind of thing as important. Why? Something happened?” Worried Kise. 

 

“Well, I don’t use much internet, so I didn’t know anything about the article until practice. Hyuga-senpai was acting weird so I asked if something had happened. He asked if I was dating you and then asked if I was… well, he meant gay that’s for sure, but he said… he called me  **faggot** ” said Tetsuya sadly. 

 

“He… WHAT? OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I’LL KILL HIM, HOW DARE HE?” Screamed Kise. He was really mad right now, he couldn’t believe it! 

 

“Kise-kun, please stop yelling, Kagami-kun punched him in that very moment so don’t worry.” said Tetsuya, happy to hear Kise’s reaction. He was very happy with the reaction of the rest of his team too, everyone had been very mad at Hyuga-senpai. “Coach also put him in a boston hold” Tetsuya said as an afterthought. 

 

“Really? That’s good, he deserves it! Then you just discovered it?” asked Kise, more relaxed now. 

 

“Yes, they showed me the picture and I explained the situation. But still, that word... I knew Hyuga-senpai didn’t like gay people, you can see it in how he treated Mibuchi-san, but… I never thought he was that homophobic. This is… I don’t know what to think.” Said Tetsuya honestly. 

 

“Yeah, it must be difficult.” After that discussion, they chatted about more casual topics for an hour. 

 

* * *

 

The next day Seirin doors were full of paparazzi looking for Tetsuya. He could have avoided them, but he knew he would have to do this, so he let out a big breath and walked towards them. They weren’t expecting him, some of them even screamed. 

 

Tetsuya, already familiar with all of this just waited for them to recover. “Hello, are you looking for me?” Deadpanned Tetsuya. 

 

“Yes! Are you Kise Ryouta’s boyfriend? Are you two dating? Since when? How do you met each other? Are you two in love?” Clamored the reporters. 

 

“I met him in Teiko’s basketball club, I was his mentor, but we are just friends” Said Tetsuya honestly. 

 

“But you two were hugging in an intimate way!” Replied a journalist. 

 

“Yes, we were talking about something private, I was having a difficult moment and he was just being a good friend.” 

 

“So you say there’s nothing more than that?” 

 

“Yes, that’s right, Kise-kun and I are just friends.” 

 

“But he threw himself in your arms! That’s not normal!” 

 

“I started the hug, he just went along with it!” Replied Tetsuya a little desperate now. 

 

“That’s not true, we have more pictures that prove he was the one who initiated it!” 

 

“I asked for the hug, he just did it because we are friends and I needed a hug” 

 

“So are you saying you are the one who’s in love with Kise Ryouta? Is your love unrequited?” 

 

“No! There’s nothing romantic between us. We are just friends, could you leave us alone? What’s the big deal even if we were dating? Leave us alone!” He said with exasperation. He entered the school without caring about anything else now. 

 

The day passed in a blur for Tetsuya. He had more problems with Hyuga, he had asked if Tetsuya had lied because of his answer to the paparazzi. In the end he went home early. 

 

* * *

 

He sighed, thinking about all the things that had happened, how could he overcome his selfishness? 

 

Then, in the middle of a dark alley he always used as a shortcut some tall people in suits came from nowhere. They surrounded him, and he was quick to realize he couldn’t escape. 

 

He grabbed his head when it started to pound but it was no use, the pain was too strong. He fell to his knees, his memories were a mix in his head. All of them were flowing through his mind, demanding attention, and a memory he had forgotten surfaced too. Then, in a flash he remembered everything: the night walk, getting lost, the men in suits and… the  **murder** . 

 

“Kuroko Tetsuya, right?” One of them asked. Just in that moment a Mercedes Benz stopped in front of them. “We need to have a little talk with you, will you come with us for good?” He asked while grabbing his gun. He aimed it at Tetsuya’s head. “Or will you give us trouble?” 


	4. The Actual Storm

Great, just great. They were going to kill him and he’d never see his family again, never play basketball again.

 

They guided him to the car, if one could use such a gentle word when they held him at gunpoint. Once everyone was inside the huge car, it started to drive.

 

“So tell us Tetsuya-kun, do you remember me?” Asked one of the men.

 

“Would things change even if I don't?” Retorted Tetsuya. He knew he was screwed regardless of his answer.

 

The yakuza laughed. “You are right, it makes no difference. Then let me tell you how things will be from now on. I’ll be honest with you, the simplest thing would be kill you, and we were about to do it, but we found some interesting things about you kid.” He said while pulling out a laptop. He clicked open a file and pressed play on a video to show to Tetsuya. It was a compilation of his best plays; the Ignite Pass Kai, the Phantom Drive and Shot, how he cut Hanamiya’s web… Everything was there, then it changed to pictures… Pictures of his house, of him sleeping, of his parents sleeping, them at their jobs, of his friends, his friends’ houses, even Ogiwara-kun was there. He started to sweat. He had a feeling about where this would be going and he was sure he wouldn’t like it.

 

“So kid, we know you have a strong sense of justice, but you will keep quiet about what you saw, right?  You are a smart kid, you know what will happen if you open your mouth.” Said the one that looked like the leader. Tetsuya wanted to say something but his voice wouldn’t cooperate, so he just slowly nodded his head. “Great. So kid, you have a lot of potential. That arm strength, your ability to stay in the shadows, they are very useful skills. So let me say this, we will train you once a week. Not too much, and after you graduate you’ll get to decide if you join us or not, deal?”

 

Tetsuya closed his eyes in frustration. There was nothing he could do to escape or to resolve this problem, so he just resigned to do this for his family and friends. He let out a big sigh, opened his eyes and nodded, sealing his destiny with that action. He didn’t have much of a choice anyways.

 

* * *

 

Tetsuya woke up to his own shout. He was sweating a lot after his third nightmare in a row just that night, the others days before had been the same. He sighed and went to shower.

 

While he was in the shower, he thought about the past few days.

 

The day after his encounter with the yakuza had started with a rough morning, he hadn’t slept at all. So when he arrived at school he dozed in all his classes, and it was Kagami-kun who woke him up for lunch.

 

“Dude, you good? Did you sleep at all last night?” Asked Kagami with concern.

 

Tetsuya suppressed a yawn and replied, “I couldn’t sleep”

 

“Why?” Asked Kagami curiously.

 

“Nightmares.” Tetsuya briefly explained .

 

“Oh, emm… you wanna talk about it?” Kagami asked awkwardly. Talking about feelings wasn’t something he was good at, but for his friend he could try it.

 

“...” How could Tetsuya tell Kagami that he had nightmares about the murder he had seen? Or the ones about his friends and family being killed before his eyes because he dared to talk? No, he couldn’t. He had to keep the secret so he just shook his head and said, “Thank you Kagami-kun but I don’t want to talk about it, I’m fine”

 

“Okay, if you are sure. Then I hope you’ll be better for practice!” Replied an unsure Kagami.

 

“I will, we still have a class which I can sleep through.” Deadpanned Tetsuya, which caused Kagami to laugh. Tetsuya smiled, happy to have good friends.

 

Tetsuya smiled in the shower at the memory, maybe tonight he could sleep.

 

* * *

 

The next day they had a practice match against Shutoku, which ended in another tie.

 

"Kuroko, you improved towards the end of the game, but your passes were garbage in the first quarter. It seems to be a reflection of your emotions, are you that affected by...the article?" Asked Midorima, feigning disinterest.

 

Tetsuya smiled, happy to know Midorima-kun cared enough to ask. “It was frustrating, I dislike paparazzi.” He explained.

 

Midorima nodded in agreement, then he moved his head so he was looking at anything but Tetsuya’s eyes “I-If you need anything, you can contact me.” He said as he blushed.

 

Tetsuya smiled. “Thank you Midorima-kun.” He said in return.

 

Midorima blushed even more and said, “It’s not for you, it’s just that I don’t like the fact that your abilities are being affected because of this. Your passes today were slower than in Teiko.”

 

Tetsuya’s smile grew a little, amused by Midorima’s antics. “Of course. Thank you anyways Midorima-kun, I really appreciate it.” Replied Tetsuya. Midorima nodded to acknowledge him and walked away.

 

Tetsuya was less afraid now, because he had reasons to keep going: his family and friends. He would do anything for them, absolutely anything.

 

* * *

 

 

It was Friday night and he was about to go to bed when his cellphone rang. Surprised, he grabbed it and saw that it was an hidden number. He had an idea of who it could be, a shiver went down to his spine. He thought about not answering but then he thought about his parents, his grandmother, his friends… No, he had to do this. He answered the call.

 

“He-” He was about to greet when he was interrupted.

 

“Tomorrow, 05:00, you’ll be with us until 22:00 Sunday. The email with the excuse for your parents will be sent at the end of the call, see you then.” Said the unknown person before just ending the call without waiting for a reply.

 

Tetsuya broke out into a cold sweat. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening. His breathing started to rush, he couldn’t get enough air. He tried to breathe through his mouth but it was no use, black dots appeared in his vision. He was becoming increasingly sweaty as his vision started to blur. He couldn’t think, couldnt move, he was just there panicking and trying to breathe. Something wet and warm touched his chin and he absently discovered he was crying. He blacked out.

 

He woke up at 00:30 Saturday. He could breathe normally again so he took a big breath and let out a sigh. He went to the bathroom and took a shower, after that he got dressed and used his cellphone to read the excuse the yakuza had sent him. It was a good one, so with determination on his face he went to the living room where his parents were still watching a movie together and let out a sigh.

 

“Em, mom, dad, sorry to bother you but I forgot to tell you, I signed up for a basketball training camp. It’s every weekend from 05:00 to 22:00, may I please go? It’s everything I wanted and it’s very difficult to get into! I have a complete merit-based scholarship…” Said Tetsuya. He felt bad for lying to his parents, but he didn’t have another choice. The best part of the lie is that this camp did exist, and his name really is on the list. Nobody would notice he wasn’t there anyway so it was perfect.

 

His parents thought about it for a while and in the end they gave him permission, much to Tetsuya’s relief. So he went to bed and tried to get some rest. His sleep that night was precarious and full of nightmares.

 

* * *

 

The next day came, and with it the yakuza. They called Tetsuya at 04:30, waking him up to tell him they’ll be waiting for him in the park near his house, and added that he better be punctual.

 

He arrived at 04:59, just in time. The yakuza nodded approvingly at him and escorted him to the car. The ride was long and tense, before finally - or sadly from Tetsuya’s point of view - they arrived at a tall building. They guided him through a labyrinth of corridors until they entered a gym.

 

Inside it was full of tall and muscular people, most of them decorated with numerous scars, practicing street fighting with each other. There were other people practicing with guns, firing at dummies in a shooting range.

 

“What is this? the kid didn’t come?” Asked a man who appeared to be near 25 years old.

 

“Eh? What are you talking about? He’s right here… he is, right?” His escort asked with a hint of uncertainty.

 

“HA, There’s no way he’s here, I’m our best spy, I would notice him.” Boasted the other man.

 

“Mmm, excuse me, but I’m right here.” Deadpanned Tetsuya, raising an arm to make himself more visible. There was a pause, everyone left what they were doing and started at him perplexed, then the moment was cut with a yell.

 

“Where did you come from? How long have you been here?” Yelled someone.

 

“I was here from the start, they escorted me here.” Explained Tetsuya with his usual flat expression. The men who escorted him nodded. Everyone went silent, nobody could believe it. Then excitement went through them, this was exactly what they needed! Their secret weapon.

 

“Okay, you play basketball right? What is your speciality?” Asked someone else, trying to regain his composure.

 

“I’m a passing specialist.” Said Tetsuya.

 

“Okay, then here.” The man said, passing a basketball to him. “Go to the other end of the room and pass me the ball with all your strength, don’t hold back, get it?” Commanded the person.

 

Tetsuya simply nodded and went to the other end of the room, then the bounced the basketball a few times before performing an Ignite Pass Kai.

 

The other man wasn’t ready. He tried to catch the ball but it was speeding towards him with so much more power than he thought possible with that arms the kid had. The ball flew through his grasp and hit him directly in the chest, leaving him breathless and off balance as the ball almost hits a bystander in the head. Silence met that view. They couldn’t believe someone with those arms could pass that fast and hard.

 

“Okay, that was good enough kid, let’s see what else you can do with those arms.” Said the man. And so they spent all day watching how Tetsuya was throwing or punching things and evaluated him. Forty minutes after midnight, Tetsuya was taken to a bed they had prepared for him, and woke up at 05:00 next morning.

 

This time they made Tetsuya do the same things, but they corrected his posture, giving him a few tips on how to do it better, and so all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I don't know when I'll update next... I'm gonna be hospitalized one of these days and idk if they would let me use my computer or even my phone and idk how long I'll be hospitalized so... yeah here's a chapter, but I won't drop the story, that's a promise!


	5. Kirisaki Daiichi

“Hey, why so lonely? Here, we’ll give you some company.” Said a tall, muscular man in his 20’s. He had a little scar on the left side of his forehead, light brown long hair tied in a high ponytail. Both ears were pierced and he had 3 more in the cartilage of his left ear. He looked like the stereotypical bad boy. There was a small of people group the same age behind him. 

 

“Because your boss commanded you to be my friend?” Retorted Tetsuya. They were in the dining room, and it was his second weekend here already. 

 

“Yes, but still, you’re interesting.” Said the man without shame. “I’m Izumi Arata, nice to meet you, Tetsuya-kun.” He greeted while he took a seat in front of Tetsuya.

 

“I’m Fukushima Saori. Same~” Sang a tall woman while she took a seat at Tetsuya’s left. She had dark brown eyes and long black straight hair with locks that reached her thin and arched eyebrows, and was wearing a colorful pink makeup that made an interesting contrast with her goth style of clothing that made her curves stand out. Tetsuya thought she must be a host and immediately felt like shit. 

 

“ _ Since when am I this prejudiced?”  _ He was distracted from his thoughts by a woman that looked ‘masculine’. 

 

“I’m Murakami Sayuri, nice to meet you!” She said cheerfully while she took a seat at Arata’s right. She was tall and muscular with ginger hair, and was wearing a brown mini skirt with an open side that revealed her toned thighs with a tight blouse that made her muscles stand out. 

 

“I’m Ishiguro Miya, is nice to meet you.” Said the third woman while she took a seat at Tetsuya’s right. She was short and thin, her hair shoulders length was braided and dyed blonde with locks of all colors, her eyes were the color of honey. Tetsuya liked her instantly.

 

“I’m Takumi Kenji, nice to meet you.” Said the last of them while he took a seat at Arata’s left. He had small black eyes, thick eyebrows and short black hair. He was wearing a black suit and black shirt without a tie. If Tetsuya needed to guess what he was in the yakuza world, he would say Kenji must be a bodyguard, and he was correct. 

 

Tetsuya nodded at each introduction but didn’t say anything. What could he say after all? It's nice to meet you while I’m being forced into the yakuza? And he wasn’t in the mood for do an unnecessary introduction himself. 

 

An awkward silence followed their greetings. Then Murakami broke the silence by asking Tetsuya about basketball, and they immediately started a passionate chat about the sport that lasted all lunch. 

 

* * *

“Hey, what was that? A new technique?” Asked an excited Riko. 

 

Tetsuya had just used one of the fight techniques the yakuza had teached him that weekend for a pass and that resulted in a very strong pass that changed directions after it bounced on the floor. 

 

“I guess so.” Replied Tetsuya, surprised himself. 

 

“Great! Where did you learn it?” Asked an excited Kagami. 

 

Tetsuya hesitated, he didn’t like to lie but he must, so he said, “I’m going to a basketball camp the weekends, I was accepted in The Basement Camp.” Tetsuya said. 

 

“Really? But that’s a camp for universitaires!” Claimed Koganei, Tetsuya shrugged. 

 

“Wow, this is great! Learn as much as you can there! Also, don’t lie to me again! Why you said you were sick this weekend instead of telling me this sooner?” Said Riko. 

 

Tetsuya lowered his head “I… didn’t want this to be known, I didn’t want to brag.” Said Tetsuya. 

 

Riko sighed, so Tetsuya still was with his thoughts of him being selfish… She honestly was at a loss, what could she did to help him? Nothing came, so she just nodded at the excuse and kept her mouth shut. 

 

The weeks passed and with it months, Tetsuya was talking more and more with his new yakuza friends, they were interesting and Tetsuya couldn’t help but feel comfortable in their presence. The nightmares stopped, and he didn’t dread the weekends anymore. He was learning a lot of useful skills that could be applied in basketball after all. So for his own sake his mind disconnected the training with what would happen once it was over with. 

 

Time passed by and it was the day of their second last match of the tournament that will decide if they go to the Winter Coup or not. 

 

This year was against Kirisaki Daiichi. Everyone in Seirin was tense since Kirisaki Daiichi started with the dirty play instantly. Tetsuya was so mad but his rage was cold, sharpening his senses and mind. He started planing how stop their dirty play but couldn’t think of anything, he tried to catch the punches but that got him a fault so his teammates told him not to interfere. 

 

Then the second half arrived they changed his playstyle to Hanamiya’s web, and just like last time Seirin left it to Tetsuya. 

 

They were winning, they could do this, they could still go to the Winter Cup. Tetsuya’s heart was filled with hope and just then he heard a thud, a loud crack while a pained scream cut the air. He froze, he didn’t want to turn around, didn’t want to know, to see, what had happened. ‘Coward,’ a voice in his head said. He sighed and turned around. 

 

He instantly wished he hadn’t. A person in Seirin’s uniform was on the floor, with their left arm and right leg bent in impossible positions, they were  **broken** . But not just that, there was something white in the right knee… something white surrounded by red. 

 

Tetsuya almost fainted at the sight, his brain didn’t want to process the sight nor the pained sounds his friend did from the floor,  **alone.**

 

That was what snapped Tetsuya from his trance, his friend was alone on the floor crying. Tetsuya shortened the distance and dropped to his knees so fast it hurt, but he didn’t matter that moment, all what mattered now was… 

 

“Kagami-kun!” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey I'm back! this chapter is short because I should be studying for tomorrow's exam but I have a little of 6th chapter already so don't worry   
> ~


	6. Cold Rage, The Consequences

“Kagami-kun!” Shouted Tetsuya helplessly. All that he could think to do is yell at the referee. “Hey, blow the whistle, we need help here!” And with that, hell broke loose. Everyone snapped to attention and went to do things. Tetsuya prefered to stay at Kagami’s side, he didn’t want Kagami to be alone in the middle of the pain. 

 

The ambulance came and Kagami was accompanied by coach to the hospital. Seirin crushed a shocked Kirisaki Daiichi, they hadn’t expected to cause so much damage. But when the game finished and Hyuga went up to them to curse Hanamiya, he acted the same way as always. Tetsuya saw red, he was about to punch Hanamiya with a move the yakuza had just taught him for doing this to his friend, to Kagami-kun… Kagami-kun! That’s right, he was now in the hospital, he couldn’t waste time with someone like Hanamiya when his friend needed him. 

 

They went to the hospital, and a somber Riko received them. 

 

“Kagami-kun needs an operation, but they can’t without his parents’ consent. I’m trying to contact them but they don’t answer! Do you have Kagami-kun’s things? Maybe if we call his dad from his cellphone he will answer… It’s urgent, he needs this operation or he may not walk again! He has a spinal injury!” She said desperately. Finally, they were able to contact Kagami’s father and explain the situation, his dad sent his lawyer and the operation was done with little success. The leg was fine, now all that was left was see how Kagami’s leg reacted to the operation and the rehabilitation. His spinal injury was other matter.

 

The doctor said they wouldn’t be able to see Kagami today, so everyone made plans to come back tomorrow. With that they left after contacting Himuro, who said would be there next day. 

 

Without Kagami they lost against Shutoku in the next game. They were frustrated but everyone was more worried about Kagami, even Shutoku asked about him, and Midorima paled when he heard Kagami also had a spinal injury. 

 

Along with Seirin, Kirisaki Daiichi was going to the Winter Cup. The next day Akashi called Tetsuya. They tried everything they could think to disqualify Kirisaki Daiichi, without success.   


 

* * *

 

A week passed by and Kagami’s leg hadn’t shown much improvement, and that scared the doctors. They took a lot of exams and said that he needed yet another operation. That scared everybody, this surgery was also a failure. 

 

Kagami still couldn’t feel his leg. 

 

Another week passed and Kagami started to feel numb in his other leg. He had a panic attack. Kagami couldn’t breathe. His legs, they were useless now, he won’t be able to play basketball ever again! He couldn’t do this, he wanted to die, he couldn’- Something unexpected interrupted his thoughts: someone hugged him. 

 

“Please don’t say that, Kagami-kun. There’s always a way to do what you want, please don’t think of suicide.” Said a sad and comfortingly soft voice. 

 

Right, Kuroko was there. “Wait, was I speaking? I thought I was just thinking... “ Said a calmer Kagami. 

 

Tetsuya smiled at this. “Yes, you were talking out loud. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me with anything, even if you need to cry you can call me.” Said a serious Tetsuya. Kagami gave him a sad smile and nodded. 

 

Then the door opened and the doctor came in. “Okay Kagami-kun, I already talked with your father and now I’ll give you the bad news. It would be better if we’re alone.” He said to the final part to Tetsuya, who nodded and started walking. Kagami grabbed him by his wrist. 

 

“Wait! Please don’t go, I- Stay with me.” Said a desperate Kagami. Tetsuya looked at the doctor, who sighed but allowed it. 

 

“Very well then. Kagami-kun, as you know we couldn’t operate you right away, in that time you not only caught an infection, but you had the muscles damaged from the fracture too and the spinal injury… You  **shouldn’t** have any problems with both surgeries, but you still can’t feel your leg right?” Asked the doctor, Kagami nodded.”Yes, we think the spinal injury is worse than we thought… we think it severely damaged the spinal cord... You see, there’s nothing we can do about this, we read your record. You already had problems with your legs before, that made the damage more extensive than normal… I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do here, you could try in another country, your father is in USA right? You could try going there.” The doctor finished his speech with a heavy sigh, he hated giving bad news to patients. 

 

Kagami was crying, he couldn’t help it. “S-So, I won’t be able to play basketball again.” He said with a shaky voice. 

 

The doctor hesitated, something both teenagers noted with dread. “It’s difficult to say, maybe with a good rehabilitation and better technology… in a couple of years you could play basketball at a casual level.”

 

“A-And what,” Kagami’s voice cracked, he couldn’t keep speaking. He took a big breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds. “What about walking? Will I be able to walk?” 

 

“Em, right now, no. But as I said, with better technology and a good rehabilitation, in a couple of years I think yes, you could.” 

 

After the doctor left, Kagami had another panic attack. Tetsuya held him in his arms the whole time, received the punches Kagami threw at things or in the air and let him cry until he fell asleep. 

 

He left the hospital room and sighed, then saw who was waiting for him outside and tensed. The man smiled, standing there with a relaxed posture. He held a beautiful bouquet of flowers and handed it to Tetsuya. “From us, for your friend.” Said the man. Tetsuya was surprised, so just nodded. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Asked Tetsuya. 

 

“Why don’t you go inside, leave the flowers there and then we go outside for a little walk?” Asked the man. Tetsuya knew he didn’t really have a choice, so he obliged. 

 

They walked in silence until they were alone in a dark alley. “A real shame what happened with your friend, so much potential.” Started the man. Tetsuya felt like crying, he wouldn’t be playing with Kagami-kun in Seirin’s team ever again. “I know, it hurts. You see, we like you kid, so we will help you. Your father’s friend is rich, he doesn’t need help with that. But what about justice?” Asked the yakuza. 

 

Tetsuya’s eye twitched. Justice? What justice? “Nobody saw anything, they didn’t even get a fault. Akashi-kun already tried, there’s nothing we can do.” Said Tetsuya, his voice trembling with rage. 

 

The man smiled. “Maybe you good boys can’t and you’re right. They won’t face a jury for what they did, but there’s a lot of different types of justice, kid. We can make them suffer, make them pay.” 

 

“Pay.” Tetsuya repeated blankly. He knew what was happening, but honestly he couldn’t care less about the manipulation. He could still hear Kagami’s cries, could still see his face while the doctor spoke. Then he recalled Hanamiya’s mocking face and saw red. He started trembling, his voice came out hoarse and raw. “Make them pay.” 

 

The yakuza smiled and nodded. “How?”  **How** . That question snapped him from his trance of loathing. He already had come to terms with the fact he’d use the yakuza to make them pay, but he hadn’t expected them to ask him for the method… “ _ How much would they do for me?” _ Mused a curious Tetsuya.  _ “If I say kill them, they’ll actually do it?”  _  But Tetsuya wouldn’t, couldn’t do something like that, and not just because of his morals, but because he didn’t want them to be dead. Sure he wanted them to suffer, a lot, but death? That was too much. No, he wanted something discreet and long. An idea started to form in Tetsuya’s head. 

 

“How about this?” Tetsuya said, and started to plan his vengeance with the man. 

  
  


A week later, all of Kirisaki Daiichi regulars were arrested for illegal possession of firearms, narcotics, and theft. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to my amazing beta Darkwoods, this chapter was specially difficult, sorry if the medical 'facts' aren't right, I did a research but didn't asked a doctor soo...   
> also feel free to hate me, but I needed this for the sake of plot, Tetsuya needed to loose his light


	7. Something Similar to Normal

Days passed by and Kagami decided to return to the USA. 

 

Everyone was at the airport, even Midorima, Murasakibara, Kise, Momoi and Aomine. Kagami, in a wheelchair, was about to board the plane accompanied by Alex, who came as soon as she heard about the incident thanks to Himuro. 

 

Kagami was subdued but he was trying to look cheerful. Nobody bought the lie, but none of them said anything about it. 

 

Kagami felt like shit. Until now, a small part of him wanted to believe that all of this was a nightmare, but now in the airport still in a  **wheelchair** , he couldn’t keep avoiding reality. This was his life now. 

 

He hated going back to the USA, hated being separated from his teammates. Especially Kuroko, who had been his emotional pillar the whole time. 

 

Like he could read his thoughts Tetsuya approached and gave him a hug full of sentiment, and said into his ear, “We can video call each other everyday - except weekends - any time time you feel like it.” From the speakers an artificial voice called for the passengers of Kagami’s flight, and Tetsuya in an impulsive move, kissed Kagami’s forehead. 

 

That made Kagami smile for real for the first time in weeks. He didn’t know what gave him the impulse, but he hugged Tetsuya again and gave him a peck on his cheek. Tetsuya’s face was so funny in that moment that Kagami laughed, which made Tetsuya smile. 

 

Behind them, everyone was surprised by the exchange. Hyuga had stiffened but thankfully resisted the impulse to say something stupid, he was learning. 

 

The announcement called again and Kagami waved to everyone one last time, before they were gone Alex grabed Tetsuya by his nape and gave him a peck on the mouth. Tetsuya’s eyes widened but otherwise he keep his poker face in place. “Thank you,” She said with a small and sad smile. Tetsuya gave her a similar smile in return and bowed his head in acknowledgement. With that they left, hearing Kagami yell at Alex for the ‘kiss’ in the distance. 

 

When Tetsuya turned around he was greeted by glares of envy, amused smiles and a pout from Momoi. 

 

“It’s not fair! I want to kiss Tetsu-kun too!” She whined. That intensified the glares and smiles yet Tetsuya just gave them his usual poker face. 

 

“Would you like to eat something?” He asked. Everyone agreed and they spend the next couple of hours eating and chatting. 

 

* * *

 

Tetsuya couldn’t sleep. In their outing they had obviously talked a lot about Kagami, and consequently, about Kirisaki Daiichi. Everyone was glad they were paying for what they did, even if it was for something else. His friends’ voices echoed in his mind, he could still hear Aomine talking about how he knew since the start that they were a bunch of criminals, and how glad he was that they were receiving what they deserved, with everyone agreeing with him for once. 

 

He couldn’t describe the emotion that grew inside him while he listened his friends vent about Kirisaki Daiichi. He hadn’t thought much about it, with all his focus on Kagami. But now that he was gone, Tetsuya had plenty of time to think about how he felt. 

 

The feeling was pleasant, that was the first thing he noticed, something weird… He certainly didn’t usually feel this emotion, was it happiness? No, he wasn’t happy, he was still angry with them, hated them all a lot. But hate wasn’t the emotion he was feeling now, it was something positive… They couldn’t hurt anyone anymore, was he proud of what he did? No, he didn’t do that himself, he just planned it. He just was so satisfied with his vengeance, they deserved that and more… 

 

Then he realized, there was something he was supposed to feel, but he wasn’t at all, he didn’t feel guilty. That scared Tetsuya, what kind of person was he now? Even though they had hurt someone precious to him, he just put five teenagers in prison and he didn't feel even a bit guilty? Tetsuya ran his fingers through his hair. He would have gone for another walk if his experiences with night walks weren’t so terrible. So in turn he decided he needed to talk to someone and he grabbed his cellphone, only to remember that all of this was a secret. He couldn’t tell his friends about this. 

 

With a sigh he lied down in his bed and looked at the ceiling. It was a pretty plain ceiling, nothing to look at and it suited him. He let his thoughts wander for a while before he started to scroll through the contact list on his cellphone, until he read the name of Izumi Arata. That was an option, people who were somewhat his friends, people he could talk about these kinds of things. He went to their chat group and sent a message explaining his struggle. 

 

One minute later there was a response from Fukishima-san, saying he was too good and pure for this world. Since that wasn’t helpful at all, he just send a disappointed but not surprised emoji. Takumi-san added he was too good to worry about something like that. Murakami said they’ll be happy to corrupt him, Tetsuya didn’t bother to answer that, then Izumi said that the fact he was worrying about it was proof enough to say he wasn’t a bad person, yet, he added as an afterthought. Tetsuya could hear the playful voice in that single word. Deciding it was the best he will receive, he thanked them all and started an inane conversation that all of them were happy to follow. Later that night, he read the chat and ever so slowly, a feeling crept to his heart, too weak to know what it was, he just knew it was good and that it was towards that group. 

 

* * *

 

 

Time passed by, and with it the Winter Cup arrived. Tetsuya kept training hard and his team could see his improvement. His stamina had increased a lot, he was faster, stronger and his aim had gotten better. They still felt the loss of Kagami, but Tetsuya chatted with him on video call at least three times a week and the entire team video called him once a week as well. Between their new players and Tetsuya’s development, they still had hope. 

 

The first match went well, Tetsuya’s normal misdirection was enough for the victory. The second match against Rakuzan was really difficult. Tetsuya used all his new techniques and they nearly won the game, but it wasn’t enough. The game ended 151-150, Rakuzan’s victory. 

 

That’s how the Winter Cup ended for them.


	8. Sinking Deeper

With the end of Seirin’s Winter Cup Tetsuya started focusing more and more on the yakuza’s training, now he even practiced the moves alone after basketball practices. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t as invested in basketball as ever. In fact he practiced even harder. Most of the moves the yakuza taught him were really useful on court, so he added them to his usual training since he would be the team captain starting next semester. It was a big responsibility, but he was honoured and would gladly do it. 

 

He still talked to Kagami almost everyday, their friendship as strong as ever, even more now that they understood how important they had been to each other in first year. And Tetsuya continued to hang with the Generation of Miracles sometimes, mostly with Kise and Aomine, but they now had monthly meetings that were more sleepovers than anything else. Tetsuya was happy to have his friends back and still have Kagami’s and Seirin’s friendship, but he couldn’t help but feel a little distant now that his view of world had been changed thanks to the yakuza.

 

He had also bonded with his little group of friends from the yakuza. With them Tetsuya felt at ease since he didn’t have to lie or hide things from them, he still remembered how they had congratulated him when he had told them what he had done to Kirisaki Daiichi. That time Tetsuya couldn’t help but feel relieved to have someone to talk about this kind of things. That’s why everybody called him by the first name and Tetsuya started to reciprocate it after being asked to, he didn’t want to be seen as rude after all. Soon they moved from first name basis to nicknames, Tetsuya being now Tetsu-tan to everyone. 

 

He could almost forget they were people doing highly illegal activities, until they taught him how to shot. They started with a simple pistol, but even that had been too hard for Tetsuya the first time. He had almost refused but barely controlled his reaction for his family and friends, he let out a shaky breath and took the weapon like it would contamine him. It did, the first time he shot his ears rang even with the protection. His eyes glued to the bullet that came out of his gun until it embed itself in the wall behind the target, he had shot right through it. 

 

Tetsuya had good aim and quickly realized he was good at shooting. No, not just good, he  **excelled** at it, which was a first for Tetsuya. He had always been average at everything in his life so he didn’t know how to take this new discovery. By the time they moved from handguns to rifles he was enjoying himself despite him knowing it was wrong. 

 

After the first time he enjoyed the shooting practice he had a hard time trying to understand why. He knew it was wrong, that it was illegal. He shouldn’t enjoy any of this, he was being forced into this, yet he was enjoying shooting without thinking on why they were training him. It was obvious and when he thought about it he nearly vomited. He couldn’t shoot people, he just couldn’t. 

 

In the end that night he couldn’t sleep, so he texted his yakuza friends. They said they would have a small party at Sayu-tan’s house with just them, and that Sao-tan and Ara-tan were in their way to his house. He frantically went to his parents, who were in the living room talking. He was lucky school was starting next week or his parents wouldn’t have let him go and he would’ve had to go against their will… Wait a minute, he just thought he would go even if his parents said no. A couple of months ago he wouldn’t have dreamed of it. Great, another thing to worry about. 

 

Soon he was in Sayu-tan’s house, explaining to them his inner struggle and as always they listened to him, even if to them there was no problem at all. They were good friends. They didn’t make him drink or smoke or any other thing he didn’t want to do, they were just there, supporting him. They didn’t try to sugarcoat the reality, everyone here knew what the yakuza expected of Tetsuya, and also they knew that no matter what, he would end up doing it for the sake of those he loved. All they said was that that’s how humans were, and that he wasn’t perfect. That made him feel a little better. Tetsuya didn’t sleep that night, too busy talking with his friends and having a great time, but the next day he did sleep. If his nightmares were back as strong as the first day, well nobody had to know. 

 

In his third year the yakuza seemed to think he was ready for some action and sent him with the rest of the yakuza. It started slow, just small tasks at first, accompany the bodyguards to pick up their own from brothels and hosts clubs. Then from meetings with local gangs that worked for the yakuza, then accompanying debt collectors. 

 

Tetsuya had been against a lot of things there, but he had talked with enough people to know he needed everyone’s point of view of a matter before judging it. So he had started talking with more people from the yakuza, and with the workers of the host clubs, brothels, and gangs. And ever so slowly, his opinion of what was right or wrong started to crumble again. Before Tetsuya knew it, he was friends with a gang leader, some hosts and sex workers, he even had their phone numbers. 

 

Now that had been weird. Being in places like that had been awkward and uncomfortable for him at first, he almost freaked out the first time they brought him to a brothel. Those kinds of places were strongly against Tetsuya’s morals so it was very difficult for him to be there, a worker even offered him her services once she had noticed him. Obviously he had politely declined it, so uncomfortable everyone could notice it. The same worker had tried to start a conversation with him and he had taken advantage of it to ask her why she worked here, how she was treated and what she thought about her situation. She had been very kind and had answered all his question truthfully, giving Tetsuya a better understanding of the world and crumbling to dust some prejudices of the job. He also discovered she was very funny and intelligent so he had traded numbers with her after a few encounters and chats. After that, talking with a host had been easy, and Tetsuya soon had increased his number of female friends. 

 

Something similar had happened with the gang leader. Tetsuya had asked him if he could remain a couple of minutes later to talk with him after the meeting was over. When Tetsuya started with the same questions he had asked the hosts and sex workers the leader laughed. Not a mean laugh but an amused one, and had answered that if he couldn’t get what he needed through the legal ways he would get it by force. Soon they were engrossed in a very political conversation and that night Tetsuya left with a lot of doubts, so he researched about what the leader had said. The leader was right. He couldn’t believe it, he wasn’t naive, he knew corruption and things like that existed in the world, but he wasn’t prepared for all the things rich people got away with and how poor people were treated. Him being a middle-class high schooler with just books and basketball in his head, he had never thought much about politics and things like that. That night changed everything. Tetsuya’s world crumbled to dust, he didn’t know what was bad or good anymore. He still condemned violence, but started to realize there were more forms of violence that just physical, some even more terrible. 

 

He tried to subtly bring up this with their friends, but they were just teenagers. They didn’t want to hear complicated things, and the only one at Seirin who listened was the coach but her reaction was to worry about him for a week, thinking he was depressed. The other ones who listened were Momoi, Midorima and Akashi, both talks were extremely awkward. Momoi had a resigned stance, like the one he had had about Aomine but a deeper sadness. She was so sad that Tetsuya cut the chat short. Akashi and Midorima had been uncomfortable because they were part of the privileged upper-class he had been criticizing, so Tetsuya had cut the conversation to spare them the discomfort. Finally he decided to do what he had been doing when he couldn’t talk about things with his ‘good’ friends: talk with his yakuza friends, that now included his friends at the brothels, the gang and the hosts. They were very supportive of him, listening to his struggle and answering all the question he had. Tetsuya had something akin to mental peace after a few weeks.

 

Finally, the yakuza thought he was ready for some real action and started to send him to real meetings. Everything was fine at first, since none of the other people seemed to notice him as always. Tetsuya took advantage of that situation to absorb as much about politics as he could, trying to see how the world worked, every bit of information useful for the future. But then a week before his graduation when they sent him to a meeting with another family, everything went wrong. The other family was not happy, they were out for blood and blood they got. The fight started slowly, just a normal discussion, then they raised their voices and before Tetsuya could react everyone but him had drawn their weapon. 

 

Tetsuya threw himself to the wall as silently as he could, all his senses sharpening. He drew his own gun and put on the silencer without thinking, too used to doing it by now to notice. He won’t fire it unless extremely necessary, but it seemed foolish to not have it out of his hostler and prepared. His survival instincts were stronger than his morality right then, he could have a breakdown once he was safe.

 

Nobody had raised their gun yet, everyone waiting for someone else to make the first move. He really hoped this wouldn’t go like last time, when someone had died. He hoped they could resolve this without someone getting seriously hurt since his good acquaintance, Yamada Ikuto, was a part of negotiations as well. 

 

Tetsuya was focused on everyone’s guns, especially on the enemy that was closest to his almost friend. So when the same man raised his gun and pointed it at his ‘friend’s’ head, without giving Yamada time to react Tetsuya put himself in position. His eyes glued to the man’s fingers and when he noticed he was about to fire he panicked, his mind went blank. 

 

Later he would recall holding his gun steady and with a fluid motion pointing it at the man’s head and firing. He would remember the despair those eyes showed, attacked by someone he never saw and never would. The blood wasn’t what would haunt his nightmares for months, but his expression changing into an impassive face, eyes empty. 

 

Hell broke loose after that, all he could hear were the firing guns. He would recall someone aiming at his head and he, still full of panic and adrenaline, had saw the man as one of the training dummies and shot him in the chest, blood hitting him for the first time in his life. A bullet came brushing by his check, he instantly drew the trajectory in his head and aimed in that direction. He saw a man from the other family, but instead of seeing a human being, all he saw was an enemy, a danger to himself and his team, a target. He fired his gun and got him in the neck, and this time the blood that came out like a grotesque fountain that would surely haunt him for years. 

 

Then everything went silent, the confrontation couldn’t have lasted for more than a minute or two. Tetsuya’s adrenaline faded and just the panic was left. He saw all the gore on the floor, saw the red on his clothes. The world started to spin around him, finally realizing what he had done. His knees gave out and he was on the floor, the smell hit him like a furious tsunami. He couldn’t help it, he just had time to turn over a little before he was throwing up everything he had in his stomach, mostly vanilla milkshakes. 

 

He didn’t have the strength to care about something like that right now, all he could see were the corpses, the people he had just killed. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t breathe, he was hyperventilating. He could feel the tears on his checks, could taste the salt in them. Then he knew no more. 

 


	9. There's No Escape

He felt numb; both his body and his emotions were desensitized. He couldn’t feel anything but emptiness. It was like he couldn’t feel anything anymore, he silently wondered if he would be able to feel anything but this numbness ever again. He had just graduated, he ought to feel something. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t find any happiness or sadness in him. It was like all the colour of the world had suddenly disappeared, leaving a world in different tones of gray. 

 

Maybe this was for the best, he thought, better not feel anything than the heap of emotions he had felt before. He was just so tired of screaming and crying and that left him empty. He didn’t think he would be able to be happy anytime soon, or feel any positive emotion. He was desperate; a part of him wanted no more than feel a positive emotion after so many negative ones. But mostly he didn’t want to, because he didn’t deserve to feel anything good anymore. 

Not after what had happened last week...

 

At that moment, he had felt so many things at once. It had been too overwhelming even for him. He had wanted to die in a moment, but he didn’t do anything about it because dying would mean an escape. He didn’t deserve that, not after what he had done. He didn’t deserve anything but the cruelest things, so he had given up in trying to break free from the yakuza’s claws. He would let them tear him apart and destroy everything that he was. 

 

After this, there was nothing he could do, and honestly he didn’t want to anymore. He didn’t deserve to escape, didn’t deserve to be happy and have a normal life. He would keep going with this weight on his shoulders forever, and the many more weights he would be having in the future. 

 

* * *

 

Screams rang in his ears. Blood and corpses... he saw everywhere. He was in the middle of a pool of blood. He spread his hands eager to sense something else, but his own hands were red with blood dripping from them. With a sinking feeling, he understood he had been the one who murdered all those people. When he realized this, all the corpses started to scream, yelling “MURDERER” on and on, looking at him with eyes dead and empty. He started to scream as well -- his legs weak -- he was falling. And he realized it wasn’t that his legs were giving in, it was the pool of blood that was swallowing him. He tried to escape, but the corpses were surrounding him, preventing his escape. His head was swallowed too; he couldn’t breath. He was drowning; he couldn’t scream anymore. All his senses were invaded with blood and he realized he couldn’t escape. He gave in. 

 

Tetsuya woke up with his own scream, sitting on the bed he was on. At first he didn’t know where he was and panicked, his senses sharpening with adrenaline, but it lasted just a second and then he recognized the place, it was the room where he slept at the yakuza. A big room with a lot of beds for any lower rank who needed it. Remembering the dream he frantically kicked the covers and looked at his body. He still was in the same suit he used now at the yakuza. At first, he let out a shaky breath of relief; his hands and clothes weren’t covered in blood. It had been a nightmare. Just a nightmare... 

 

He felt so relieved all the energy that had appeared thanks to the adrenaline disappeared at once, letting him relax again. He got out of bed and went to the bathroom. That was when he discovered that it wasn’t a nightmare but reality -- it was what had happened yesterday. His face had blood on it -- not red. It was already dry, it wasn’t covering all of his face either, just a good portion of his left cheek and some drops on his suit. But they were still there, sound evidence that it really happened. 

 

Panic bubbled inside him, he opened the faucet in a rush, put liquid soap in his hand with so much force the bottle fell to the floor loudly. Tetsuya didn’t pay attention  and started to frantically scrub his cheek, soaking the left side of his face, neck and clothes,but he didn’t care, he kept scrubbing until all the blood disappeared, but for then his hand was red. 

 

A memory of last night assaulted him -- the look of the first person he had killed. The distraught and scared expression on his face that morphed into emptiness in a second. The way the other person’s neck had split open, blood pouring of it like a grotesque fountain. Suddenly, Tetsuya was sick again. Luckily, he was in the bathroom and so, he rushed to the toilet and throwed up all he had in his stomach. After that, bile started to come. He spent a while there. All he could think was what he had done, his memories spiraling inside his head. 

 

He had shot three people. He had killed three people. HE HAD KILLED THREE PEOPLE. 

 

Tetsuya felt wave after wave of emotions attacking him. The first emotion was fear of himself at what he had become. Then despair, disbelief, and sorrow at what he had done. What followed was grief for those he killed. The last? He was angry at himself. Because the rational part of him understood that he hadn’t had another option, that the other thing that could have happened was see his companions die or see how they killed the other family. It would have been the same circumstance in the end, he himself could have died too and that scared him too much. 

 

The only thing that would have changed was that he wouldn’t have dirtied his hands. And for that... he despised himself. What kind of person worries about that kind of thing in this situation? This wasn’t supposed to be about him but about the people he had killed and yet he was having a breakdown for all the wrong reasons. His breakdown wasn’t just for the deaths of that people even though that was a good part of it. But most of it was because of the implications of what had happened, and what that meant that for him as a person. He didn’t recognize himself; had he been always like this?  

 

His legs gave in, letting him sprawl on the cold floor, but he didn’t care; the least of his problems was how cold the floor was. He didn’t have the energy to stand or even wash his hands either. He just kept himself in that position, looking at his bloodied hand with empty eyes, reviving the memories again and again. He wanted to pull his hair, to scream until his voice gave in, to sob, and to bang his head against the wall. But he couldn’t move, no sound escaped from his mouth, all he could do was cry in silence. The whirlwind of emotions inside him let him petrified. 

 

He could have spend hours like that, but someone opened the door Tetsuya had forgotten to lock. It was Miya-tan, who seemed to be looking for him, she was one of the few people who could always spot Tetsuya. He suspected she had some form of eagle or hawk eye. She spotted him after a few seconds and her expression wavered after see him. He must have been a pathetic sight, at that thought he curled his lip in a bitter smile, for once his exterior reflected how he felt. 

 

She kneeled on the floor next to him and hugged him tightly, without caring about the dry blood in Tetsuya’s clothes or his soaked clothes and face. He didn’t react in any way physically; he just let the other hug him tightly. Something broke inside him with that and he started sobbing. He had mixed feelings about the hug. For one, he really needed one -- it was comforting and he had been yearning for someone to comfort him since he woke up out of the nightmare. And that was exactly the problem: he didn’t deserve to be comforted right now, he was an assassin -- a monster. 

 

“I’ve killed more people than I can count, you know this,” Miya-tan said. It was true, all the girls weren’t part of the yakuza but hired assassins or spies; nobody would suspect of hosts or sex workers. The yakuza didn’t have girls but they didn’t have problems with hiring some to do the dirty job. And he knew this since the beginning; they had never kept it a secret. And yet he had befriended them. He had resisted at first, too scared and repulsed not just of the girls but of everyone in his now circle of friends here. Their blunt sincerity had won him though. The way they have been viewing the world was different and he knew this. They had a lot of discussions at first, he had even yelled in one particularly heated debate. 

 

But slowly, their understanding of his point of view and the respect they had for him as a person with his own opinions made him lower his guard and before he realized, they were his friends. At that time, he had had a crisis because of that. He had felt like shit for a whole week until his yakuza friends had seen him. They talked about it and, while still uncomfortable with himself for his decision -- a sensation that had lasted months -- he felt a lot better; he genuinely liked his friends, assassins or not.  He had dealt with this before, yet this was not the same; this time, the assassin was him. 

 

“This is different,” he replied in a weak voice that didn’t sound like his own. 

 

“Why? Let someone die and kill they are the same, the person still dies.” 

 

Tetsuya didn’t have a reply to this. It was true, he had let people die since the day one so why this was so different? 

 

“...I don’t know,” he admitted. She smiled, sad and knowing, like someone who had been in his position before. Maybe she’d been, maybe there had been another reason for them to ask her to look for him other than her power to see him after all.   


 

* * *

 

That day he dragged himself to his house feeling absolutely horrible with himself, he was so disgusted with himself that when he saw his parents he felt so much shame he had to restrain himself to not run to his room. He walked there instead, saying he was too tired to eat dinner. 

 

Once he was alone in his room, he let himself be carried by his emotions. Despair and tears overwhelmed him first. Then laughter came, low enough for his parents not to hear his hysterical and desperate laugh. He was horrified with himself and his reaction. He put his fist in his mouth, biting in a desperate attempt to stop the laugh without avail. He bit so hard he drew blood. When he saw the blood, the memories of yesterday night came back with force. He muffled his despairing cry with his fist, and cried heavily until he fell asleep. 

 

That monday, he didn’t go to school, nor the next day. He spent the days looking at the ceiling, ignoring the worried calls and messages from his good friends, including Kagami -- whose calls he never had ignored before. They still talked at least once a week, but not anymore. He was too ashamed and disgusted of himself to reply to any of them, afraid of contaminating them. He almost didn’t eat at all these days, just a bit of breakfast and dinner due to his parents insistence. But once they went to their respective works, he dragged himself to his bed where he kept himself all day until their return. He almost didn’t sleep either. 

 

At the third day, he received a call from Ara-tan, saying that the boss wanted to speak with him. Suddenly, panic was the only thing he could feel. But the idea of not going didn’t even cross his mind; that was the worst move to do. He had done enough already; he won’t run from what destiny had for him. He would face it and accept it; he didn’t deserve anything else. He would face the yakuza’s punishment, even if it was torture. So he went to the principal building of the yakuza, dreading the worst. 

 

What he didn’t expect was to be congratulated for what he did, by the boss no less. He felt at a loss, he had expected to be reprimanded after all. Instead, the boss said his technique was very good for a principiant and that he had handled the situation the best way possible. He supposed there was some truth to that. After all, none of the them had died that night. From the yakuza’s point of view, it must have been a victory over the other family. 

 

The boss kept talking with him, giving him advice on how to kill someone, which parts of the body were the best to target with each weapon, and how to clean the blood successfully, Tetsuya listened, feeling more sick with each word that came from the boss’ mouth, the advices echoing in his mind mixing with the memories of what had happened that night. When he realized this, he gave Tetsuya a speech about what was supposed to be good or bad was just a social convention. How the people he had killed had hurt and killed a lot more people than him willingly. And how they chose freely to join the yakuza and that they understood perfectly the consequences of his actions. That left Tetsuya overwhelmed and his head even more confused. If he also blackmailed him to interchange parent-child sakazuki that day... well, there was nothing Tetsuya could do. He didn’t even resist, not after what he had done; he didn’t deserve anything less. 

 

During the ceremony, while he said the customary lines, his stomach was queasy, he had nausea and his head throbbed like crazy. His eyes hurt, his whole body tensed. Yet he didn’t let any of this slip in his expression, he had his perfect poker face in place. When he drank the sake, it burned his throat but he managed to neither spit it nor cough. Apart from that, he kept his poker face during the whole ceremony and the celebrations that followed the customary sakazuki, which were all Tetsuya had expected. He had been studying all about the yakuza this year, along with how to negotiate, how to read a contract and such things. At least they didn’t make him get a tattoo, for now, thought bitterly Tetsuya. 

 

When he arrived home the next day, he just felt numbness and a persistent sensation of incredulity; he had really done that... he was officially part of the yakuza. He was screwed for life, tied forever to the underground. There was really no escape. He sighed, it wasn’t like he had a choice; not after that day in second year. He took his cellphone and did something he hadn't done in a while: he read all the worried messages of his friends without replying to anyone and sighed, deciding he couldn’t keep hiding anymore. Next day, he went to school; it was his last day as a highschooler after all. 

 

The graduation passed in a blur, he didn’t remember much. He did his best to hide his numbness to his now ex-teammates, saying he had been sick and that he had lost his phone. He didn’t even felt bad for lying to them even though he should have; a captain shouldn’t keep secrets from his teammates. But it was for the best, they couldn’t know the truth. They would be disgusted with him and his heart couldn’t afford that because he cared too much for them. 

 

In any other moment he would have felt amused at how he was trying to protect himself but then, he just felt numbness. Fortunately, they believed him, taking his behavior as sadness at their graduation because they were sad themselves. If only they knew.   


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my awesome beta Cage Comet~


	10. Growing Up

It had been a week since graduation and the numbness was still there, growing stronger with each day that passed. He started to think he really won’t feel anything else for the rest of his life, that he will be trapped in this state forever. If so, it was fine with him; he deserved it. He still felt miserable and disgusted with himself and that was how he wanted it for now. It didn’t help that his good friends had all decided on good jobs or careers that made him feel unworthy of them, especially Aomine -- who chose a job that will allow him to save people -- and Kagami -- who, even though he could just walk for short periods of time with support, is still fighting. All chose the opposite to his, he wasn’t worthy of them. 

 

That was how the months passed for him, he barely had contact with his good friends. He had moved from his family house to a small apartment as soon as possible; he couldn’t bear being with them anymore. He missed them so much it physically hurt, but he couldn’t bear the thought of contaminating them; they were so bright and pure and him, he was where he belonged -- in the shadows. He also couldn’t deal with the shame and panic that assaulted him everytime he thought of them discovering his job. It was a fear so strong it paralyzed Tetsuya and made him come up with excuses each time someone wanted to hang out with him. They eventually had given up on that, though they still contacted each other a few times, mostly through texts.

 

Years passed like that, him escalating fast above the yakuza hierarchy. He couldn’t deny the horrible fact that he had talent for this. It was something that twisted his stomach. At first, he was just sent to rough missions as back up, thanks to his lack of presence, he could infiltrate easily in case of need. He had killed so many people that somewhere in the line, he stopped to care. He felt like shit for that but what was new? The second time he had killed someone, he had a breakdown after that. At first he hadn’t felt anything, too busy thinking of how to survive to feel anything else. When he arrived home, he felt so much shame and self-hate, he had cried and punched a wall out of desperation and hadn’t been able to function for the rest of the day. The nightmares had lasted for weeks, but he had moved on. The time he had stopped to care, he hadn’t felt anything at first. And when he arrived home he didn’t felt guilty either, he didn’t have the urge to punish himself for what he had done nor any negative emotion. That made him panic a bit, but it didn’t last long either as the numbness returned quickly. 

 

Soon he had moved on from this too and decided that he could function with this sentiment for the rest of his life. He had other practical things to worry about, like how he will get the money he needed to bring to the boss. At first, he was at a loss; he couldn’t think of anything. Until some acquaintance brought him to a mahjong game, he hadn’t played mahjong before and the others, realizing this, had taken advantage of him. In the first part of the game, they slaughtered Tetsuya, but then he took in the rules on what to do to win and though he didn’t win, he did come close to winning. The second round was easier for Tetsuya. He had been able to read his opponents with the ease of years of practice and that made him win the round, and the next one. Tetsuya realized he was good enough at this to use it to get money. That’s how he got money to the boss, from mahjong and poker games. A difference from his first time playing mahjong, playing poker had been his idea -- he thought that if he was good at mahjong, he could be good at poker too. He studied the rules beforehand and attended a couple of games as a spectator, not that anyone had noticed him. The first time he played he had been so close to winning, but didn’t count on how much of a cheater the others could be. He had been surprised at himself; was he still naive after everything that had happened? It was something dangerous in this world, he would have to watch his back  The second time he did take the cheats in consideration; he predicted how they would cheat and how to counter it and finally, in the third game, he won. He won almost all his games from then. Another thing he did to get money was to play with his finances in the stock market. He was no Akashi, but Tetsuya was very good at analyzing and so both things were not too complicated for him. Soon, he had gained the boss’ favour for the amount of money he brought monthly to the family. 

 

That was how the years passed. Through the years, they had sent him to spy a lot on enemies as he was perfect for the role and always came back with useful information about the target without them even noticing him. Until Tetsuya was promoted. Now, he was the second in command of his division and he had brothers and sons. That came with a lot of responsibility. It wasn’t enough -- what he did for the group -- now, he had to deal with contracts and such, but it had been a part of his training so he didn’t mess up anything. That was when he discovered he was really good at manipulating people; he could make them sign a contract that would obviously be perjudicial for them. A clear example of that had been the company Tetsuya tricked, they ended up broke and had to sell the building -- which Tetsuya bought at a good price. It had been a very good move; it made them gain a lot of money, almost thrice as much as the price they used to get. 

 

Years passed and Tetsuya wasn’t so unhappy anymore. Sure, he was at first and it had taken years for him to recover. Even now he still had the occasional nightmare about his victims. But at some point in the years before his promotion, he had slowly started to like his new life. He couldn’t deny there was treason everywhere, but there were also a lot of loyalty and bonds between the yakuza. He too liked how traditional they were; they didn’t respect the legal rules, but they did respect their own. He had seen it with his own eyes; here, if an outsider threatened one of their own even the people who disliked you would still stand up for you. They were like a family, even if they didn’t like each other, they will have each other’s back against outsiders. He grew to love for that part of the yakuza. There had been a decisive fight with another family, one they were losing at first, until Tetsuya used his weak presence to infiltrate in the enemy’s side. That brought them the victory; thanks to Tetsuya. It was what gained him his promotion. There, he experienced happiness for the first time in a long time. He was so perplexed he didn’t recognized the emotion in the beginning, too used to the numbness that had accompanied him for years. But it was persistent and then he realized it was happiness -- he was happy. 

 

When he realized this, he cried, a lot. It had been years since the last time he cried. He had kind of missed it, feeling emotions this strongly. He was happy, but couldn’t understand why. He thought about it a lot, trying to find out why now, after so many years he had felt this. Then he realized he had finally accepted his life as it is, with all the implications; he was fine with his life as it was now. He had finally forgiven himself for all the things he had done. He hadn’t forgotten of course as the memories will be there forever. He had just let himself be happy again -- be a person again. 

 

It was then that he decided it was time to get a tattoo. A real proof he accepted his life from now on, with all the implications, a compromise with his ‘family’ for life. He wasn’t sure what could describe his emotions the best, so he discussed it with his friends. They listened to him but they had mixed ideas of what would suit him best and that made Tetsuya even more undecided, so he thought to discuss it with his ‘father’, who was satisfied with the news and took the matter seriously as it should be. They discussed it lengthily, taking a lot of designs and colors in consideration, until they came up with the perfect one. He decided to have a gray japanese dragon and a sakura tree that covered all his back, a bit of his legs, a part of his torso and the upper part of both his arms. Gray to remind himself there was no white and black in this world -- just different tones of gray -- dragon because of all the wisdom he wanted to have to help his loved ones, and a sakura tree to represent the love and strength he now knew he had and will need to reach his goals in life.  It was a painful and long experience. It had been almost too much for him, but he endured it in silence like he had always done. The boss had been there and was proud of him even if he hadn’t say anything. Once it was finished, he looked at himself in the mirror multiple times before believing this was actually him. He looked so different just with this, but it was beautifully done, with a ton of details. He liked the result, so he deemed it worth it. Tetsuya smiled for the first time in years, his life wasn’t so bad after all. 

 


	11. Confessions

Haizaki was scared as shit. This time, he had fucked it up too badly to escape from this.

 

“ _ Why did I have to do that? I’m a stupid son of a bitch, I should’ve known better by now, shit I’m so screwed I’ll die for sure.”  _

 

When the men bigger than trees made him sit on the sofa, he knew it; he won’t be alive for much long. He was so scared, he was barely registering what the men were saying, well, yelling. But one phrase definitely registered in his mind.

 

“Our boss is coming, he’s not happy with you,” said the one who looked like the second in command with a sadistic smirk that promised pain and death. Shit, he really had fucked up this time, he’ll die in a couple of minutes -- or at least that’s what he expected. He didn’t want to be tortured, he preferred a quick death instead. He hoped they wouldn’t be too mad as to torture him. He was praying for his life and sanity when something happened. 

 

If he hadn’t been focusing all his senses to the door, he wouldn’t have noticed when the door opened, revealing the last person in the entire world Haizaki imagined would enter through said door: Kuroko Tetsuya, in a pristine black suit with a light blue tie and a white shirt, a gun with a silencer already in hand. He blinked once, twice; he had been sure it wasn’t a vision but the image was still there, this was the reality, disbelief washed over him, followed by dread. He hadn’t been the best with him, what if Tetsuya decided to torture him in retaliation? 

 

Tetsuya wasn’t too surprised, after all, Haizaki-kun always had been problematic. It wasn’t the surprise of who the person was that made him feel uneasy. It was the knowledge of what repercussions this could have. The fact that someone from his past life now knew about his secret meant more people from his past life could know, and that he wasn’t expecting to happen so soon, or ever. He couldn’t afford that. He should kill Haizaki, it would be the easier route. Unfortunately, he never did the easy thing; he didn’t want to kill Haizaki. He sighed and watched the terrified man Haizaki Shougo was now. 

“Good evening Haizaki-kun, long time no see,” he greeted the other politely. So politely Haizaki almost believed the other hadn’t changed at all, but the other men flanking Tetsuya and the gun in his hand dissipated that illusion. 

 

Then he remembered he was supposed to reply to the greeting and managed to say, “Nice to see you.” Which was half true, because if Tetsuya kept at least a little of his past self, he may be able to sort out this situation. Hope started to reach him; maybe he could get past this against all odds. 

 

Tetsuya nodded. “It is. Now,” he said and took a seat in the sofa in front of Haizaki. “I heard you caused trouble, I can’t say I’m surprised,” he said casually, like they were talking about the weather in a coffee shop instead of being in this situation. Haizaki didn’t know how to take it, so he just nodded in silence. 

 

Tetsuya shrugged. “I suppose I should kill you,” he said with the same casual and monotone tone that now put Haizaki on edge. 

 

“But I know you, I know how useful you can be. So I will offer you something: become my subordinate, someone who will be my ears in certain circles and I will let you live. What do you think?” asked Tetsuya. Haizaki couldn’t believe his luck, he was quick to agree to the deal. Maybe he will end up in the yakuza. Who knew? Maybe he will enjoy being in company of this new Tetsuya. 

 

And there they were, actually drinking coffee in a coffee shop like the old friends they never were. Haizaki was curious, but was unsure what he was allowed to ask to his new boss so he just sat there awkwardly until Tetsuya sighed. “You can ask your questions Haizaki-kun, if I don’t want to answer I will just say so,” he assured. 

 

Haizaki gulped. “Okay, what are you doing in the yakuza? I never thought you of all people would join them.” Tetsuya contemplated saying the truth or not, at the end he figured it couldn’t make much damage and answered truthfully. 

 

“It wasn’t something I planned. In my second year of highschool I witnessed a murder between opposing yakuza. They didn’t see me, but they had installed a security camera and saw me in the records. They located me thanks to that ridiculous article saying I was Kise-kun’s boyfriend,” said Tetsuya. Haizaki snorted at the memory of said article, when he had read it he had laughed a whole day. 

 

Tetsuya continued talking. “They threatened my family and friends, so I went to the yakuza and learned everything I needed from street-fighting to shooting to reading contracts and managing finances. A week before my graduation, they sent me to a meeting with a rival family. It didn’t end well. It was kill or be killed, and I killed three people that day,” he said. Haizaki shuddered, this made so much sense, goody-two-shoes Tetsuya started in the yakuza because of a threat to the people he loved. The unexpected part was that Tetsuya had killed someone at such young age, but he supposed he would have done the same in a kill or be killed situation. “After that I exchanged sakazuki and here I am,” he finished sipping his vanilla milkshake. Some things didn’t change, was Haizaki’s amused thought. 

 

Haizaki leaned back in his seat and laughed low. “That’s a fucking melodramatic story, Tetsuya. As expected of you,” he managed to say. He was feeling more at ease in the other’s presence. Tetsuya just hummed at this. Years before he would have said something about swearing, but now it was common for him to hear them, even if he still avoided using them himself. 

 

“So, what do your goody two shoes friends think about this?” He asked curiously with a mischievous smile, it was a mistake. The air became thick and heavy, and Tetsuya sent him a cold glare that reminded him he was talking to a yakuza boss, his boss from now on, someone who could make his life a living hell if he wanted to. 

 

“Is that a threat?” challenged Tetsuya. Haizaki looked at him with confusion, and the truth came to him: Tetsuya hadn’t told them, hadn’t told anyone and thought he just threatened him to tell this to his friends. He quickly tried to amend his slip, he had sounded too mischievous at saying that after all and now Tetsuya must be pretty good at picking tones, even better than before. 

 

“No! Of course not, even if I tell them they wouldn’t believe me! I was just curious, but I see you hadn’t told them,” he was quick to say. 

 

Tetsuya’s shoulders relaxed, it was a movement so minimal but noticeable enough for Haizaki to his relief. Tetsuya’s eyes became the usual emotionless pit. “I see.” said Tetsuya in his usual voice. Haizaki wanted to ask why, was he ashamed of his job? Was he afraid of their reaction? Most likely. 

 

“You can ask if you want to, Haizaki-kun.” Said Tetsuya for second time that evening, patient as ever. Haizaki shifted uncomfortably for a moment but asked bluntly. 

 

“Are you ashamed? Are you scared of their reactions?” Haizaki asked him with uncertainty. Tetsuya crooked an eyebrow at that. 

 

“More than being afraid of their reactions or be ashamed of my job, I don’t want to contaminate them; they are still so pure,” he answered truthfully. Haizaki nodded. It was true after all; those guys won’t kill a fly, not even Akashi, who liked to be seen as dangerous. 

 

“I don’t think they would be contaminated,” He said, certain of that. “They’re grown-ass adults now, we’re 30! If they hadn’t been contaminated by the world by now, then they won’t. Unless something extreme happens, and I won’t count you telling them the truth as extreme,” Haizaki said. Tetsuya thought about it a bit, but still wasn’t convinced. 

 

“Aomine-kun is a police officer,” he eventually said. Haizaki choked on his coffee. 

 

“That punk is a cop?” he asked incredulously. Tetsuya just nodded. Haizaki thought about it and said, “More reason to tell them, he would eventually find out if he keeps escalating in the ranks,” he said. Tetsuya knew this was the truth, but still didn’t want to tell them. 

 

Finally, he said, “I will think about it.” And so they started a lighter talk about a different topic, exchanged numbers, and decided they could still be friends by now. 

 

Tetsuya thought about it, a lot. So much he barely slept at all. But by now, he was used to it so it wasn’t a problem. What should he do? Akashi-kun may already know and Aomine-kun would find out eventually, maybe he should tell just the two of them. However, he thought about his other friends and decided everyone had to know. So he called everyone, which surprised all of them, but they were happy nonetheless. Arranging a meeting with so many people: the Generation of Miracles and Seirin, had proven itself to be quite the challenge. But in the end, they sorted it out. 

 

The day finally came, everyone was gathered at Tetsuya’s house, a big apartment with minimal decoration. Everyone was static, after so long they are seeing his beloved friend again, and in his house! Everyone was there, even Kagami, who now could walk for short periods of time and played basketball again in a wheelchair basketball group he found. It wasn’t the same of course, but it was still basketball and for him that was enough, he could play again and that was all what mattered. 

 

Tetsuya was very nervous, he sighed when everyone was there. He had missed Momoi-san and Kise-kun’s bone crushing hugs in a certain way, it filled him with nostalgia. Once everyone was seated with a cup of tea in hand he began talking. “I’m truly sorry for not contacting you in such a long time, truthfully, it wasn’t because I was busy. I was avoiding you-” He started, but he was interrupted by… well, everyone, Kise and Momoi started crying, yelling why. Kagami, Aomine, Hyuga and Aida screamed at him, demanding answers now. Midorima and Murasakibara as well as the rest of Seirin asked too but in a calmer way, the only ones who didn’t speak were Akashi and Mitobe. 

 

Tetsuya sighed, he had expected this. “I will tell you now.” He assured, everyone calmed at that, though glares were following his every moment now, like they thought he would banish, in his own house. “It is because of my… job,” he said. Everyone was curious about what kind of job Tetsuya had. He had never answered those questions before. “I am… I am the second in command of Aihara Kinnosuke,” He began. Most of them were confused, just Aomine and Akashi understood what that meant, both knew that name, they were speechless, this was the last thing they had thought. 

 

“Aihara-san is the leader of the west branch of our territory, one of the candidates to be successors of the actual leader of our family,” he said. At this rate Momoi, Midorima and Kiyoshi had understood, they couldn’t believe it. The rest of them was still confused about what this meant. Tetsuya saw this and sighed. “I’m part of the yakuza,” he said bluntly. Then the ones who hadn’t understood gaped, letting that sink in. They were at a loss of what to say. A full minute passed and they finally let out a scream of surprise. The room was in complete chaos, everyone was screaming until Akashi sighed and shouted himself, shutting everyone up successfully. “Thank you, Akashi-kun. I will answer your questions, but please don’t interrupt me when I am answering them.” Everyone nodded, still incredulous. 

 

“So this is not a joke?” asked an uncertain Koganei, he just couldn’t believe something like that. Before Tetsuya could answer Aomine snorted. 

 

“There’s no way Tetsu would joke with something like this,” he replied. Koganei nodded, it was true. But he still couldn’t believe their friend was now a yakuza. 

 

“So, tell us Tetsuya, why did you became a yakuza? When did it start?” Asked Akashi, trying to appear calm. 

 

“It’s a long story,” He began. Everyone looked at him, gesturing him to continue, so he did. “It started in second year of highschool.” That surprised them, that young? “Remember that game against Too?” He asked everyone. Aomine shitfed in his seat, more uncomfortable with the mention of that game than Seirin. Everyone nodded. “That night I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a night walk alone.” Seirin nodded, they understood the feeling. “I got lost and ended witnessing a fight between two families.” They tensed at this, worried about what could have happened to their friend even if that had happened so many years ago.  “Someone died that night, and I saw it.” Seirin now understood why Tetsuya had been specially weird the days after the game, anyone would be weird after that. Everyone was quiet, understanding that it was a painful memory to Tetsuya. 

 

“They didn’t see me so they just left, I didn’t dare to move until they were gone and then I fainted,” He kept talking and everyone was worried now. For him, fainting on the street was dangerous. “I woke up in a hospital, I had lost the memory of that night walk, it would had been a resolved problem, but the yakuza had put a camera on the meeting spot. When they watched the record they saw me.” That made them nervous, they knew Tetsuya was fine now, but what could they had done to him at that moment? 

 

“After that incident with Kise-kun,” he said, and Aomine snorted. That shit had been funny as hell. “They kidnapped me.” He kept talking, ignoring the horrified and worried gasps of his friends. “In that moment I remembered everything and I thought they were going to kill me, but they were interested in me. They investigated me and saw my potential, so they made me agree to go to a special training to learn everything I needed to know-” He was interrupted by the least person he thought would interrupt him, Akashi-kun. 

 

“How? How did they make you agree? The truth, Tetsuya,” He said once seeing Tetsuya didn’t want to answer that question. Tetsuya sighed but resigned himself. 

 

“They threatened to hurt my parents,” he said, omitting they also had threatened to hurt them, his friends. Outtraged expressions were showed on his friends faces, it warmed Tetsuya’s heart. “So I agreed to go to the training, they even made an excuse for my parents. I never went to The Basement Camp, though I was enrolled, I was training at the yakuza.” Seirin now understood why their friend had always avoided the subject. “I learned a lot of things, some of them I incorporated at basketball, making new techniques.” That surprised everyone, the super techniques he had pulled in second and third year had been thanks to the yakuza? “I learned streetfighting, how to shoot, how to read a contract, finances, how the yakuza worked. A bit of everything I guess,” he said once he saw the curiosity of his friends. 

 

Everyone tried to imagine Tetsuya fighting with someone or shooting at someone but they couldn’t. “I was firmly against of everything at first, but then Kagami-kun’s injury happened,” he said. 

 

That confused them, expect a few that were just curious. “I was furious with Kirisaki Daiichi and the fact they didn’t receive a punishment for their actions, the yakuza helped me with that. I planned something and put a trap for them that ended with their arrest under false charges,” he said without remorse, he hadn’t feel any in a long time. Everyone shuddered at Tetsuya’s face, they couldn’t believe their sweet friend had done that.

 

Kagami was speechless “You... sent them to jail… for me?” He asked incredulously. That was extreme, but after all the people they had injured he supposed they deserved it. He will forever live with the injury they had caused after all, and everyone thought the same. 

 

“It was within the law for them to go to prison. They deserved it.,” Tetsuya said coldly, something that made his friends shudder again. “So continuing the story, I made friends, I started to talk with different kinds of people. Gangsters, hired killers, bodyguards, other yakuza members, sex workers, etc.” At this almost everyone’s jaw dropped to the floor, Tetsuya talking with sex workers? “And I started to see the world in a different light, not everything is black and white, it’s all gray. Violence is bad, but there are a lot of different kinds of violence, and most of the time the physical kind is the least cruel. The yakuza is no worse than the government or the elite. We are not good, but we are not the worst.” 

 

Nobody knew what to say at that. They didn’t want to think about that, but it was the truth. They had lived in the adult world enough to understand that much. To think Tetsuya understood this at highschool when they still had only thoughts about basketball, dates, and friends was surprising, but they supposed his circumstances made him mature more quickly. 

 

“So I started to accept the yakuza little by little, but I still resisted the idea of joining even if I knew there was no option to say no for me. But a week before my graduation I was sent to a meeting with a rival family. Everything went wrong, it ended on a kill or be killed situation and I… I killed three people that night.” You could hear a pin drop at that statement, Tetsuya, their Tetsuya killed someone? Unbelievable. Tetsuya closed his eyes and said nothing for a while, letting that sink in, expecting them to see him with disgust or to just leave. None of that happened, after a minute he opened his eyes and what he saw let him speechless. They were looking at him with sad eyes, eyes that said they were sorry for him to have to do that. “You don’t… despise me?” He asked, voice weak. 

 

“It was a kill or be killed situation, you said so and we believe you. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same in your shoes,” Akashi said, everyone nodded. Maybe a long time ago they would have acted different, but they were old enough now to be mature, they had experienced how cruel life could be and they loved Tetsuya too much for they to despise him. They accepted him for how he was even if they didn’t agree with his decisions. 

 

“I have killed a lot of people since that,” said Tetsuya. They tensed at this, but they didn’t show disgust in their face nor disappoint. 

 

“We are aware of that,” stated Midorima, his lucky item in hand. Some things never change. “We are not happy with your lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean we despise you. We still think of you as our friend, we can agree to disagree,” He finished. Everyone nodded, confirming it.

 

Tetsuya couldn’t be more happy. That doesn’t mean he missed Aomine’s conflicted expression, he understood too well how his friend might feel right now. 

 

Aomine didn’t know what to think or what to do. He was a cop, his job was fight against delinquents, and now his best friend - Aomine still thought of Tetsu as his best friend - just confessed he was one. No, not just a delinquent but a yakuza. What should he do? His friend had killed people, he should definitely be in jail. But just thinking of that made him sick, he couldn’t sell his friend out like that. But he couldn’t keep his mouth shut either, it was against his principles. He had never had problems with this before, he usually hated killers the most. In his ranking of despicable people they were on the top, just behind rapists. But no matter how much he imagined Tetsu killing people, he couldn’t hate him. 

 

He must had show this on his expression, because Tetsuya called him. “Aomine-kun, would you mind talk to me in private?” He asked. Everyone looked at them, Aomine gulped and nodded, he followed Tetsuya under the gaze of understanding of Akashi and Momoi, and the curious gazes of the rest of them. Once they arrived at another room Tetsuya gestured him to sit, always at a reasonable distance of him, like he feared how Aomine would react if he got too close. That made Aomine even more conflicted, this Tetsu looked so much like the old Tetsu it hurt. 

 

“I’m aware of your job, Aomine-kun,” he started as blunt as ever. Aomine tensed, will he threaten him to keep his mouth shut? “I know I put you in a difficult situation, for that I’m deeply sorry,” He said and bowed the lowest he could while sitting down. Aomine stiffened at that, surprised by this. “But I knew you would eventually find out, and I thought it was better for you to discover it from me.” 

 

Aomine could see the logic of this, it was true after all. He would have been even more hurt and conflicted if he had discovered this from the police. “I know you just can’t be silent with the information I just gave you,” he kept talking, making Aomine tense. Tetsuya looked Aomine straight in the eye. “If you tell your superiors what I told you I won’t get mad at you, I understand your position. Please do what do you think it’s right,” Tetsuya finished talking with his monotone voice. Aomine felt like crying, this was so like Tetsu. Looking at him he couldn’t see a murderer, he just saw his friend, the same as he was when they were in middle school, his best friend. But that wasn’t true, Tetsu had changed, even he himself had changed. Everyone changed while growing up but it was still so painful to understand his best friend was now the enemy. When he reached a conclusion, he let out a shaky breath and spoke. 

 

“I won’t tell about the first time you killed someone,” He started, and Tetsuya looked surprised at this. “That was under a kill or be killed circumstance, I can understand it. But I will tell my superiors about you,” he concluded. Tetsuya let out a small smile and nodded. Aomine relaxed and grinned back. “Good! Now that this is settled let’s go back to the party!” He said cheerfully. Both stood and Aomine put an arm on Tetsuya’s shoulders like he would do in middle school, Tetsuya felt something warm inside him. 

 

When they arrived the others were chatting quietly and visibly relaxed when they saw them like that, happy for them to be in good terms. Silence filled the room for a while and then Koganei broke the silence. “So… you have tattoos?” He asked excited at the idea. Tetsuya nodded, surprising everyone once more. 

 

“Really Tetsu? I need to see that!” Said Aomine. Tetsuya shrugged and started to take off his shirt, showing them the part of his tattoo that was visible without his shirt. 

 

“It covers a bit of my legs too, but I won’t show you that,” He said bluntly. Kagami laughed at this. 

 

“Nice, I like them.” Everyone nodded at this and Tetsuya smiled.

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon telling stories and playing games, happy to finally be in each other’s company. They had been surprised with the story about him and Haizaki being now friends and how it had been him who convinced him to tell them. They sighed but didn’t say anything about their friendship, it wasn’t the worst thing they had heard that night and the idea of Tetsuya being Haizaki’s boss was too hilarious and satisfactory to be really angry about it. It had been too many years ago to keep a petty grudge of highschool, it wasn’t like Haizaki had ever done something like Hanamiya. So they just laughed at the image and kept talking about other things. 

 

Tetsuya was so happy he thought he would die of happiness. This was his life now, his friends had once more accepted him as a shadow, with all the implications. Even if they didn’t like them, they still respected him and his decisions. He finally had his friends back. He really hoped this would last forever. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for all the people who read until the end, thank you for reading this shit!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to my awesome beta!


End file.
